


Red Ink

by Lillian Jo (troublemakerdim)



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, Junew-endgame, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Multi, References to Depression, Self-Indulgent, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-10-04 08:27:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20468036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/troublemakerdim/pseuds/Lillian%20Jo
Summary: Chanhee loves Younghoon, too much perhaps. He learns that even if the words on your wrist say the name of the person you love most; it doesn't mean they will love you back.





	1. Chapter 1

Chanhee wonders how he ended up here. To be completely honest, the situation seemed quite surreal, didn’t it? It was quite a weird world he thinks, and he wasn’t a very lucky man. He passes a hand through his brown hair and resumes his book. There’s no point dwelling on the past now, it's been years, and he had done an amazing job and letting it all go.

He thought he did great at least.

Maybe things just don’t work out the way you want them to after all.

The man across the room is perusing the library with attention, he's tall, and very handsome, Chanhee remembers him being a little more childish and cute in his charm but he seems to have matured quite a bit. Even though, he still has those adorable dimples when he smiles, and the big eyes full of wonder the brunet can remember looking at on late nights.

The guy wasn’t an ex, rest assured, Chanhee would’v dunked under his table if it had been Juyeon, and that wouldn’t have been just because he was his ex. The man was as stupid as a log and could barely walk without stumbling on his own feet. He was chaotic, that’s right, that’s the word.

The man across the room isn’t Juyeon. He's taller than Juyeon, cuter too. He's wearing a suit today, which is quite fitting for his character if he might say so himself. He was always so extra. Why was he wearing such a formal suit in the middle of August? In a library no less?

He remembers reading wasn’t actually one of the raven’s hobbies when they were close, maybe he was waiting for someone? He looks around and finds that he was right. There’s a mop of reddish hair that jumps from where it was seated to run towards the man at the door. The other person is cute, and Chanhee remembers the second man as well.

There’s a little feeling, a small little voice inside of his head, that rears its head and shows the ugly side of the brunet. It starts speaking, and all of the little things Chanhee had tried so hard to let go come back suddenly. Everything just appears all over again, everything he'd tried so hard to forget.

Suddenly, his heart is heavy. He can feels terrible. He remembers now why he had to cut off all communication with those two, because the voices never stopped when they were around. It was always the same thing over and over again.

You’re not enough.

You’re not loved.

You never will be.

Chanhee swallows back the tears that threaten to come out. They didn’t even talk to him, they didn’t even notice he was right there, they didn’t even stay around that long, but it was enough for him to remember everything from back then. Everything that had hurt him. He remembered it.

Was he dumb? Maybe. Maybe he should’ve moved on, and forgotten about it. But he couldn’t help it, how do you move on when the one you loved didn’t love you back? When the one you thought was your soulmate didn’t even see you that way?

Chanhee looks at the little mark on his wrist and smiles sadly.There’s supposed to be a name and a date, the date is the day you’re supposed to meet your soulmate at. There is a name and a date, but there’s something odd about his mark.

Usually, the mark is red, but his is black.

He sighs, letting go of the heaviness that lay inside his chest, and gets up from his seat. That’s enough for today, he thinks.

When they were young, Younghoon and Chanhee we quite close. They had met in Highschool, and they knew each other for a long time. They were childhood friends, even though Younghoon was a year older.

It was before they had their soulmate Marks, and back then, it was quite the event if your soulmate mark appeared, so everyone always checked every morning if theirs was finally on.

Chanhee wasn’t excited for his, he didn’t care for whoever was supposed to be destined to him. It didn’t matter, he was an independent man but also, he had a little crush on someone already.

When he says little crush, he actually meant full blown feelings, for none other than his childhood friend.

Younghoon of course, knew none of it, and was quite dense to his advances. He always assumed it was just friendship, and while Chanhee didn’t really mind that, he’d always wished for something more.

Because he loved Younghoon. He really did.

Younghoon was his everything. Younghoon was the one that cheered him up when he was down. He was the one that kept him up when he wasn’t doing well. Even though he didn’t always know things were happening, just talking to him cheered him him. He’d never managed to get along with anyone that well, and he'd always looked up to the other.

He was so sweet and kind. He was cute too, shying away from the spotlight every time someone put him there. He was a little prince, on a little thrown, but he had great charisma, even if he never admitted to it.

Admittedly, Chanhee will coincide that he was quite dependant on Younghoon. He needed to talk to him often, or else it felt like something was missing in his day. If he didn’t talk to the other for long periods of times, he’d feel down and upset and was pretty grumpy.

But it was fine. Of course, he would have been happy if his feelings were reciprocated, but he didn’t mind that Younghoon didn’t see him in that light, as long as he was happy and comfortable that’s all that mattered to him.

And feelings grow.

That’s when he gets his soulmate mark. Its bright red and looks beautiful, it has Younghoon's name written neatly on top of a date. It’s a passed date, which is normal since they already knew each other.

He never tells Younghoon about it, because the entire time he waits. He hides it well too, under a little bracelet, just to make sure he can surprise him.

When they had moved on to college, Chanhee had foolishly joined him in his university. It was a big school, and he got in thanks to a music scholarship. Younghoon was in because he had studied a lot, which just fed into Chanhee's little happy image of the man.

Younghoon being the absolute angel he was, had offered to room together, but the brunet knew better.

He loved him, but he had a sense of self preservation, and he wasnt about to go through three years of gay panic because he wasn’t smart enough to room alone.

That’s how he meets Changmin.

Changmin is a very sweet boy, and he meets him the first time when he moves into his dorm room. He’s his dorm neighbour and rooms with Juyeon, who apparently was his friend from school. Changmin was a sweetheart. He was kind and caring and was also very shy when it came to showing his feelings.

He was a little bit of a cry baby, and could he quite affectionate when he got to know you.

Maybe that’s why Chanhee was suffering so much at the time, because changmin was so kind, there was no way he could come to hate him.

Its through him that Younghoon and Changmin meet, and it’s honestly one of the most anxiety filled meetings he had ever been through.

The brunet knew that day, when he saw the way Younghoon and Changmin interacted, that it was over for him.

Just the way they looked at each other, just the way they would smile whenever the other spoke, just the way Younghoon gushed about him every time they would meet together. It was enough for Chanhee to know; he wasn’t the one.

And that’s when the self doubt starts settling in. He wonders if he'd done something wrong; if he was wrong. If he'd done something bad to deserve this because clearly, something must have happened.

He kept wishing, hoping, praying that it was all just temporary. That Younghoon would realise soon, that Chanhee truly was his soulmate.

When you love someone the way Chanhee loved Younghoon, you stop counting. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much.

Every minute becomes about them, every second becomes about their happiness. Maybe it was too intense, but he loved it. He loved loving Younghoon the most. It brought him a sense of happiness and fulfillment. When he saw Younghoon happy because of him, he was happy too.

The loving side of Chanhee, the one who loved unconditionally, kept repeating to itself that it wasn’t anyone's fault. That it was fine, that it was okay. Younghoon would come around someday right? He'll love us someday right?

The other side however, the ugly, dark and buried side of Chanhee, the one he never let out, reared its ugly face and showed itself. It was loud, and incessant. It kept repeating the ugly words over and over again. And when Younghoon would stop talking to him for days on end to spend time with Changmin, he'd wonder if he really was that bad to deserve to be forgotten.

Because when you love someone the way he did, you can only imagine, what’s wrong with you for them to not love you back?

After everything he'd done; everything he’d shared, was it really going to end this way?

Was he going to be alone?

Did he deserve to he alone?

Why was he the one being alone? What had he done to deserve it?

Why was he so ugly?

Why was he so stupid?

Why was he so useless?

And the thoughts don't stop.

Now, he knows it's not true, or at least he's working on it. He knows Younghoon never stopped caring about him, but the darkness had taken over so deeply at the time, that even the smallest things became big mountains.

Nothing hurt as much though, as the day he woke up with black ink on his hand.

He remembers it well, it was a Friday, he had choir practice that day and was supposed to hurry up and go to practice. He had woken up in a hurry, and at 9:29, and he left his apartment, he checks his soulmate mark like he did every morning for reassurance.

And that’s when he stumbles and falls. The strength in his legs had left him; and he was feeling faint. It didn’t take long for him to start crying, and he could feel nausea in the pit of his stomach.

It was painful. It was so painful.

He had cried so loud, so clear, so pained, that a student had opened his door to check up on him.

Juyeon had hurried to his side and asked what was wrong.

When Chanhee can't respond, he takes off the hand he'd held so closely to his heart. When he sees the black ink spread onto the smallers’ skin, he looks a little at Chanhee and then a sad smile fills his face.

“It's going to be okay Chan, you're not bad because of this.” The words are heavy with experience. He felt the man hold onto him and hug him.

But he can't stop crying.

That day, Juyeon had invited himself over and taken care of Chanhee the entire weekend.

He'd cried so much, that he'd managed to hurt his throat and was unable to speak.

Funnily enough, that day, Younghoon had texted him about meeting up. Juyeon had confiscated his phone and hidden it somewhere in the apartment. He’d spent his entire time either holding Chanhee and letting him let it out or taking care of little tasks around the house.

Thinking about it, Juyeon had been an absolute sweetheart back then. And even if he was a stupid jock, he was a very kind and caring one. The brunet would always be grateful for him for that day, forever.

It takes a while, but eventually, Chanhee confesses. He tells Younghoon about the mark he'd hidden so well, and tells him he wants to cut communication with him.

Younghoon is sad, which was understandable, but Chanhee knew he’d get over it.

They were friends but in the long term, Chanhee didn’t mmatter. Juyeon had been upset when he’d said that. He had spent a lot of time with Chanhee to try and make him believe he had value and worth but nothing had worked.

The brunet thinks Juyeon wasn’t lucky with him though, he'd always had issues, so he guesses it wasn’t that surprising for the entire situation to end the way it did.

After that, he'd been careful to avoid both Changmin and Younghoon and had crafted the perfect self care Saturday.

He'd tried everything, literally everything, to get better. He'd worked so impossibly hard, and he'd definitely gotten better.

There were days where things just didn’t work out, or days where he missed the older, but they ended eventually, even if they felt like forever.

Chanhee also had developed a habit of just disappearing. He figures since no one noticed, it was fine, and even though now Jacob notices every time he's gone, he still does it.

He'll disappear, isolating himself from a week or two. It won't happen enough for it to he a problem, but it happened at the worst times of when the darkness hit. He would be fine though; he'd worked too hard to stop now.

After years of fighting against himself, he'd managed to get over Younghoon. He managed to get over his soulmate.

He'd met new friends, made new relationships, had a few crushes here and there but nothing ever turned out serious enough. Most people had a soulmate anyways, and he was a pretty rare case.

The only other case like his he'd known was Juyeon.

After that “meeting” at the library, Chanhee wonders if he’d be okay. He wonders why Younghoon was in Anyang of all reasons, he's pretty sure he'd heard he and his sweetheart had moved to Busan for his work. Maybe it was just a vacation though and that was okay.

As long as it was the last time.

It happens again a few month later, he's at the library again, reading a book. It’s his day off, so he doesn’t have anything better to do.

Hes reading a classic, the legend of sleepy hollow, and enjoying the little bit of sunlight he was getting for a November day.

That’s when there’s someone who moves a chair in front of him and sits down. He usually tends to ignore people; but for some reason something pushes him to raise his head and see whoever it is that decided to sit down in front of him.

“Ah" is all he manages.

“Chanhee, I didn’t know I would ever see you here....” the raven starts, smile evident on his face. He looks beautiful.

“Ah well, here I am" he laughs awkwardly.

“Its good to see you again” the brunet can’t say the same.

“How have you been?” he asks instead.

“I’m alright, I was looking for you”

Chanhee raises an eyebrow. He doesn’t say a word and instead lets Younghoon finish.

“I...we...I miss you.” He begins “I know it would be selfish but, Changmin and I are getting married by the end of the year. I was wondering...if you would do me the honors of being my best man?”

“Younghoon”

“Yes?”

“You ’re telling me you made the entire way from Busan to Anyang, looked an entire city and asked out mutual friends for me, to ask me to come to your wedding?”

“Yes”

“You're ridiculous”

“You've already mentioned that in the past”

There’s a smile that spreads on Chanhee’s face but it’s not only happy, there’s a little bit of pity in there too. He feels sorry for Younghoon, who had to look for him just for this.

He wonders what’s so important about him that rendered a travel necessary.

“Will you?”

Chanhee nods, he takes out a card from his pocket and hands it to Younghoon. “My number is on there. Call me when you need to”

He gets up and leaves the book on the table. He waves Younghoon goodbye and leaves the place.

He hurries home that night but he doesn’t cry, instead he sits in front of the window and looks out at the lights.

For some reason, he feels compelled to do something about it. It feels a little fake and selfish but he'd been thinking about it for quite some time.

He takes out his phone and calls the number he'd kept previously in his old notes.

1 second,

2,

3,...

“Chanhee?” the familiar voice says unsure.

“Juyeon.”


	2. Chapter 2

It’s a Friday afternoon, they’re both sat in a restaurant. It’s fancier than what Chanhee is used to, but Juyeon insisted they go here. There weren’t a lot of seats, and the place was a little small, but Juyeon had reserved a private room in the back for them, so it was okay. There were plants on the corners. The table in the center was a dark mahogany.

Chanhee was alone for now, sat at the table reading the menu. Everything looked so expensive, and he did some mental math to see if he would be able to afford any of this. His work as an editor paid well but it didn’t pay enough for him to afford such a meal.

He feels himself sweat a little, and shifts a little in his seat. Damn, when was that idiot getting here?

And as if he’d heard him, Juyeon himself appears. He’s wearing a really nice looking suit. He has a nice watch on his left wrist, and his hair is styled in a way that showcases his face. He has those adorable silver studs back on his ears. He looks really good, and Chanhee wouldn’t have ever thought Juyeon would look this professional, ever.

The man smiles his signature kitten smile and sits down in front of Chanhee before removing his blazer. They greet each other briefly, but there’s an awkward silence that settles between the two of them.

Back when they were dating, it had been right at the end of college. Chanhee already had his job in editing, but Juyeon was looking for a long time. For some reason, it had been hard to find a job and he ended up going through another career path.

“So…” Juyeon starts. “How have you been?” It’s a standard small talk question but the smaller is nervous as hell. He can feel the palms of his hands sweaty.

“I don’t really know?”

“Ah…Did Younghoon talk to you since?” The brunet in front of him asks, absentmindedly reading his menu. He seems to know the place enough because he already knows what he’s getting.

“Yeah, he told me about the bachelor’s party.”

“And?”

“I have to be there” Juyeon nods and asks him what he wants, and when Chanhee says he’s not hungry the man rolls his eyes. He calls over the waiter and tells him his order and says to bring two of everything. Chanhee’s about to protest but the waiter is already gone by then.

“You…”

“Don’t worry about it, It’s on me”

They spend the rest of the evening like that. They talk idly, about the wedding, about their jobs, about their work problems. And when they’ve both had enough to drink, they talk about their feelings. Chanhee knows it’s a mess the second he talks.

“It just felt so fake, why? Why would he call me now? I don’t get it” The smaller says in between sips. The wine is so good here, he might get himself a bottle. The entire night, Juyeon listens to him. He keeps asking questions about his job, about his life, about his feelings. What he’s been up to, what his plans were, how his parents were.

It felt as if nothing had ever happened between them. Like they were old friends catching up, not exes with a really bad breakup story.

And to be completely honest with you, Chanhee still didn’t know why he had contacted Juyeon. It was so weird, suddenly, to need him around. Chanhee felt guilty to, Juyeon wasn’t just some guy he could use whenever he had a heartbreak.

If it bothered the other though, it didn’t look like it.

They spend the rest of the night together, and the night after that. They get used to it, meeting for dinner. It becomes a habit for the two of them and they find comfort in the other’s company. Whenever Chanhee asks about Juyeon though, he’s of little words and doesn’t say much; only replying when an answer is needed.

Nonetheless, Juyeon looks…good. He looks so good. He looks fulfilled, happy. He looked confident and healthy. Chanhee guesses it’s normal, the man was of little words. He didn’t speak of himself a lot, and was shy when he was in the center of the attention. He was cute like that.

After graduating college, Juyeon and he start living together. It’s a very necessary arrangement, partly because Juyeon doesn’t have a job and can’t afford to rent out an apartment in Anyang, and partly because he doesn’t want to be away from his best friend.

He had graduated, barely, after that whole soulmate fiasco, and still needed his friend around. It was selfish perhaps, but they helped each other out the way they could.

Now Chanhee always wears a bracelet around his wrist to hide the mark. Juyeon never hides his, he figures he’s gotten over it a long time ago, but it doesn’t stop Chanhee for feeling bad for him too.

They start dating for the wrong reason. They were watching a movie, both cuddled up on the couch. Juyeon had his arms well around the smaller’s waist and they were both lying down. Chanhee had his head on the older’s shoulder, nuzzling deeply.

“I’m going to ask something really weird”

“Oh?”

“I need you to be my boyfriend” Juyeon says, unfazed.

“What?” Chanhee smiles widely, laughing at the ridiculous demand.

“I’m serious”

“Why do you need me to be your boyfriend”

“My parents, they’re coming to Anyang for the weekend, I lied and said I had a boyfriend. That it was better than my soulmate” Chanhee’s smile disappears. He nods. Right, that’s the reality they were living in.

“And you want me to play the part so that they don’t get worried”

“Right”

“Okay”

“Okay?” Juyeon finally looks at him, face curious.

“Yeah, I’ll do it”

“Okay” There’s a silence as they get back to the movie. Chanhee thinks Juyeon didn’t want him to hear but he hears the sigh in relief and the small thank you.

That’s how it begins. They ‘date’ for the sake of Juyeon’s parents. They act like boyfriends around the couple, and then when the couple invites them for Chuseok, they can’t help but have to do it again. It keeps happening, Juyeon’s mother even gives him their family recipe for Gogi Wanjajeon and that day Chanhee can’t help but feel absolutely and terribly guilty.

The worst is, he loves it. He loves spending time with his fake boyfriend and his family. He loves going out on those stupid fake dates Juyeon tells him about to get the ‘realism going’. He keeps holding his hand even when the parents aren’t there. They even start sleeping in the same bed.

And like some sick joke life had decided to give Chanhee, he catches feelings for the older. He develops a huge crush on the older, and can’t help but want to spend time with him even when they don’t have to.

He’ll let his eye linger when he walks around chest exposed, he’ll let his their fingers intertwine, he’ll kiss the other’s cheek, let their lips meet a little longer than they need to.

If Juyeon notices, he doesn’t let it show.

On the contrary, he’ll reciprocate. He’ll do little things for Chanhee, show him he cares.

It’s so strange and they stay in that in between phase for half a year before they actually start dating. Juyeon is the one that breaches the subject but Chanhee is the one to confess. They start dating soon after that, and it’s definitely not perfect but they make it work.

In retrospect, it was probably the best relationship Chanhee had ever had. It was healthy, loving and domestic. It wasn’t dramatic or passionate but it was them, and that’s what mattered.

They date for two years.

It’s probably the healthiest Chanhee had ever been.

The way it ends is a lot less healthy than their relationship.

They had been having trouble lately, with Juyeon adjusting to his new job, and Chanhee getting promoted. Both of them were unbelievably busy, and irritated. They wouldn’t stop fighting, over and over again. They always mended things though, and apologized.

There’s a fight though, that goes too far.

Some words are said that really shouldn’t have been, some that even a sorry doesn’t really forgive.

Juyeon says things, Chanhee says things, they’re both held accountable. Chanhee tells Juyeon to get the fuck out and Juyeon complies, happily. They don’t talk about it, block each other on every single social media platform, don’t go to their usual friend hangouts. If Juyeon is going Chanhee won’t go and vice versa.

They never erase the other’s number, but the memory becomes a bitter one and they ignore each other’s presence whenever they have to be around each other.

Last Chanhee hears is that Juyeon and Jaehyun had started dating. The two of them were apparently in a pretty steady relationship, and no, he wasn’t jealous at all when he had heard about it. Jacob tells him when they break up, as if Chanhee cares, when Jaehyun finds his soul mate.

Apparently Juyeon didn’t hold it against the other for leaving when he found his soul mate, but Chanhee feels like shit. Even though they weren’t talking, he can only imagine what it must feel like for his dumb ex.

He tells Jacob to invite Juyeon out for a meal, and pays for it for them.

“Do you want tea or coffee?” The brunet asks.

“Coffee” Chanhee tells him from his spot on the bed. It’s Juyeon’s bed, well, the bed in his guest room. He was sleeping over because they were renovating some things in his apartment, and he had to get out because of that.

Juyeon was taking really good care of the both of them, making them meals whenever he was free, and helping Chanhee out with filing papers for the apartment renovation.

“Come on sleepyhead, get up. You’re going to be late” The older says, face inches away from Chanhee’s. They’re really friendly with each other, it almost feels like back then.

“Hmm 5 more minutes” he moans softly.

Juyeon chuckles and rolls his eyes, getting off the bed and out the room. “Fine, I’ll drink all the coffee then”

“Juju” The smaller drawls out the second part, whining early in the morning.

He remembers that today, he was meeting with the other best men for the bachelors’ party after work. He groans to himself. He doesn’t want to go! Younghoon’s work mates were a pain in the ass and wanted to do some huge out of budget party.

Even after years, Chanhee knows that Younghoon would hate that.

He finally joins Juyeon in the dining room and sits in the chair near Juyeon, putting his head on the older’s shoulder.

“Didn’t sleep well?”

“No…went to bed late because of work”

“You ought to be more careful angel, you’ll get sick”

“Hmmm” The words are still as soft and caring as he remembers them.

He doesn’t even know how the vile words had come out of someone as soft and caring as Juyeon, but he guesses he’s no better. He’s always mean and petty; he wonders how Juyeon’s around him so comfortably.

He finally gets up and goes to the kitchen.

He’ll think about all of this later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I actually wasn't going to continue writing this but, JuNew is just so appealing to me lately and I'm pretty sure every single JuNew fic available at this point so. I might as well add my own;;;;
> 
> I hope you like this <3 
> 
> Also PS this was not beta read so i'm sorry for any mistakes ;;;;   
(My twitter is @smile_lilas lets chat ~)


	3. Chapter 3

When he remembers that time, it’s a little blurry in his mind. To be completely frank, he didn’t really know why he didn’t remember the episodes right after his breakup with Juyeon _or _his heartbreak with Younghoon, but now he knew.

Apparently, depression did that to you.

Chanhee went through such intense depressive episodes, that his mind just couldn’t keep up. He remembers snippets of them, moments where he’d cry so much, he would barely open his eyes after for example.

He remembers some things he’d said to himself, some things he’d thought, and really dark things at that. He remembers wondering if opening up would ever be a good idea, if it mattered at all. He remembers wondering if it, opening up to his friends about the dark places his mind went to, would make them uncomfortable or upset them.

So he never did. They never noticed, and it was probably better that way. He wonders maybe if he’s wrong, if they knew and they just didn’t know what to do about it. He shrugs at the thought.

He screamed on his own, wrote down ugly words in a journal, and then it was over.

There was one thing however, he did quite often, and he only ever realized he did it today.

Last night, he’d parted ways with Juyeon after having another one of their dinners together, and he’d gone home. The repairs were finally over and he could finally sleep in his own bed, although it was definitely not as comfortable as Juyeon’s but he couldn’t complain. He’d seen a couple on the way back, two women. One was tall and had beautiful dark hair and the other was petite and a little rounder but was absolutely adorable.

The taller of the two had a necklace around her neck; it was silver and had a little cross dangling from it.

It was so strange, but just from that, Chanhee had remembered the first time he’d offered Younghoon a present, it had been a necklace, similar to that one, and Younghoon had worn it for a very long time. A very long time, right about until Changmin arrived, and had given him another one.

Needless to say, his was chucked out of the way.

It hurt.

It hurt so much.

Regardless of love, weren’t they closer back then? Wasn’t he more important than some guy who had decided to swoop in? He didn’t hate Changmin, but that day, he had resented him.

When he arrives home after seeing those two women, face red and tear stricken, it’s like something takes over him. He doesn’t stop crying, he remembers that. He keeps screaming words at himself, although those are quite blurry now. He’s sure he’s done a lot more. Which, he realizes only the next morning, after waking up and heading to his kitchen to make breakfast.

His mind was groggy from all the crying and he had a huge headache. He felt like…well he felt like he was dead inside.

See, Chanhee didn’t just forget, he also had a destructive habit. He needed to destroy things that meant a lot to him, because he thought he didn’t deserve them anymore. He did that a lot, now that he thinks about it. He’d deleted countless social media accounts of his, changed numbers so many times, destroyed journals upon journals, deleted pictures of him and his face, burned pictures and shredded letters.

He’d done it, because he wanted to hurt himself, and he couldn’t actually do it physically.

Sometimes, Chanhee wonders if this was self-harm. He wonders if, there was an alternative to it. Maybe this was a healthier way than destroying himself. Still, he really wished there was another way of doing this, as he stood in front of the wreckage he’d caused in his library.

Books upon books had been torn and strewn around, messy and ruined; there was no way to put any of them back together.

All of his books were like that, all of them except one. He guesses his destruction craved mine still couldn’t get around to destroying this one, no matter how much he wanted to. Even now, after having come down from it, he still feels an edge, still feels a pull to rip it apart and throw it away.

But he doesn’t. He puts it back, takes a trash bag and cleans up the entire place.

He purges, all of the things that reminded him of Younghoon had been thrown away a long time ago, but now he also threw away anything remotely related to Younghoon. Everything that can hurt him, he puts it away. He ends up with a full trash bag that he quickly throws out in the dumpster downstairs. He sees a neighbor there, his name is Sunwoo, and he was a student still, even though he seemed to be graduating soon.

The boy had stopped him right when he was about the head back. He was getting hungry and just wanted to get some food in his system. The boy clears his throat and asks a little awkwardly.

“Are you…okay?”

“Hm?”

“I’m asking, if you’re doing okay?” The boy repeats himself. Chanhee smiles a little. He doesn’t really have the energy for social niceties, or for faking anything, so that’s all he can manage right now.

“I’m sorry if I made noise last night-“

“I didn’t talk about that. I’m asking you how you’re doing”

“I’m…”

“It’s okay to not feel okay” There’s something about this kid, something about the way he speaks that feels like he’s grown beyond his years. He had a mature air to him, like some old man giving advice to a young inexperienced Chanhee.

“I’m not okay”

“Alright, do you like pizza?” Chanhee titles his head but nods nonetheless. Well, pizza was his favorite food. He tells Sunwoo as much and the boy smiles and takes his hand, pulling him to his apartment. Sunwoo right beside Chanhee, he was the only wall neighbor, because Chanhee lived at the end of the corridor, right besides the emergency staircase.

“I’ll order some pizza, let’s watch a movie” He tells him, smiling reassuringly. That’s when Chanhee realizes, it’s already 1 pm.

He didn’t really have a concept of time. Thank god it was the weekend, or he wouldn’t probably skipped work.

He doesn’t talk about his feelings, but that afternoon really does help him feel a little better.

Younghoons’ friends are all at the café already, and he’s running late. He had forgotten completely that he was supposed to meet with them today, and honestly you can’t blame him. Those guys spent more time exchanging stupid jokes on their group chat than they did actually planning the freaking bachelor’s party.

As he’s running out the bus and into the café, where four other men are sitting around a table drinking caramel macchiatoes, well most of them are at least; one of them is sporting an iced Americano and looks like he’d rather be anywhere but here. It makes Chanhee laugh a little inside. He waves at them, which they reciprocate and goes to order his own drink.

When he’s been handed his drink, he quickly goes to sit down next to the others. Sangyeon is almost done with his iced Americano, and he doesn’t look happy about it at all. Jacob and Kevin are shouting about some sports match result.

“I told you! That was a foul! He should’ve been taken out of the field!”

“Hell no! You’re just angry cuz he scor-“

“Oh my god, why do we care!?” Sangyeon eventually exploded. Chanhee doesn’t say anything; he observes most of it with curiosity. Haknyeon too is quiet, but that’s just because he’s shoveling a cake. He looks much invested in his food.

Chanhee had only met those guys a few months ago, apart from Jacob whom he knew from high school, and more often than not they got on his nerves, but they weren’t bad guys. Haknyeon and Kevin absolutely wanted a huge party, Jacob and Sangyeon were thinking something a little more sophisticated, and while that was definitely Younghoon’s style, he isn’t sure if they had the budget to pull whatever they had in mind through.

“Chanhee, what do you think!?” Jacob turns to him, the angel that he is, and tries to include him in the conversation.

“Huh…”

“Come on now, I’m sure you have a lot of opinions!”

“Well…” Jacob nods reassuringly. “I think you and Sangyeon have a point here but, I’m pretty sure there’s no way we can afford,” he looks at the napkin samples Jacob had brought along “this. It’s a little too much for Younghoon, don’t you think?”

“You think?” the older pouts, looking at his samples. Sangyeon and Kevin laugh, they do agree that the samples were a little too much.

“You’re always so honest Chanhee” The man in question shrugs and nods. Well yes, he is.

“Do you have any ideas?” Haknyeon asks this time.

“Uh…I was thinking he’d probably want something shows that…we, yes we care about him. Maybe we should bring him to that place you all went to when you graduated college?” He says looking at Jacob and Sangyeon. The two think a little, before their faces break into a big smile.

“Are you sure that’s enough?”

“For Younghoon? That’s perfect”

Juyeon was in the kitchen, making dinner. He’d suggested helping him, but the older had shushed him and then shooed him to the living room to watch a movie. Most of the time they went to restaurants to eat but today they were too tired to do so, so they met up over at Juyeon’s place to have their weekly dinner.

The older was making a western dish he said he had wanted to try for a little while. Meanwhile, Chanhee had lost himself in thought again.

There’s a vase in Juyeon’s living room. It’s big and blue and has a few branches adorned with flowers. The vase itself was placed next to the TV. According to Juyeon, he’d gotten it as a home-warming gift from Jaehyun back when he first moved in.

The vase reminded him of when they lived together. They’d broken so many vases, and not just because of fights. Juyeon was so clumsy that he would constantly break things around the house, then promise to pay them back. It was very funny, now that he thinks about it.

Everytime he’d break something, he had that expression on his face. It was a mix of guilt and exasperation, and he was often extremely silent when Chanhee would be back. Chanhee would instantly know something was wrong just from the way he sat on the couch.

Juyeon was the type of man to spread. He sat with his legs open, arms stretched on the back of the couch. It was dominant but inviting. It was warm, the way he portrayed himself.

When he broke something, or did something bad, just like a child, he’d fold himself tiny, and make himself as small as possible. Chanhee thought it was very endearing. It was so endearing how a man so bold, so serious, so confident most of the time, could become this tiny guilt riddled child.

He’d always sigh and ask what Juyeon broke this time, and Juyeon would shakily point at whatever place he’d bumped into. He wouldn’t say a single word, and look devasted the entire time Chanhee was investigating. Usually, it ended with cuddles on the couch.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Oh nothing, just about how you haven’t broken this vase yet” He teases. Juyeon blushes a deep red and grumbles, putting the glass of wine in front of Chanhee.

“I’m not as clumsy as I used to be!”

“Well…I’m not here to testify this”

“Stop! I really am better!”

“So you only broke things in my apartment? Is this some kind of cat behavior? You tried getting my attention by breaking my things?” Juyeon groans as he sits next to him.

“I did not! You gave me the attention I needed.” Chanhee smiles at that. They were a good couple. They worked so well. He wonders what happened that night they fought, what went through their minds. Juyeon thinks the same thing, because unlike Chanhee, he asks.

Chanhee, while honest, was very careful with what he decided to put out there. Juyeon wasn’t. He said things without thinking about the consequences. Usually, that wasn’t a good thing. It ended badly so many times for Juyeon, Chanhee wonders how he still hasn’t learned his lesson.

But regardless, Juyeon was blunt with his words, so the brunet shouldn’t be surprised when he asks him.

“Why did we fight that time?”

“…We had a lot going on”

“Yeah but,” He starts, sipping on his wine “We always did things eventually that made things better. We always got back together. What happened that night that was so different?”

“Well…I said some pretty terrible things”

“I wouldn’t blame it all on you, I said some shitty things too”

“Yes but, I did insult things that were important to you an-“

“Chanhee, we were both at fault. It’s not all on you” Chanhee nods.

“Do you ever regret that night?” Juyeon asks eventually. They haven’t looked at each other since the beginning of the conversation, maybe they were too scared what the other showed.

“Sometimes, yes” He confesses. “What about you?”

“I do, all the time”

“All the time?” Chanhee turns to face him. Juyeon passes a hand through his hair and finally looks at Chanhee. He sighs.

“When I was with Jaehyun, I realized something. There was something with you that I wouldn’t be able to share with anyone else.”

“The broken soulmate bond?”

Juyeon chuckles, amused apparently, and then shakes his head.

“With Jaehyun, it was a lot more carnal. It was always very physical, and when we had fights, it got very intense very fast. We didn’t fight a lot, but we also didn’t do a lot of intimate things together either. When we were together, you and I, there was something a lot more…soft? Domestic? It felt like going back home when I was with you. Sorry, I’m bad with words so I can’t really tell you well”

It’s Chanhee’s turn to blush. He can’t believe Juyeon would just out and say something like this. He had this huge smile on his face; he looked so beautiful, so soft. Chanhee could feel his heart beating really fast, just like it used to when they were together back then. He wanted to cuddle Juyeon so bad.

“Juyeon…”

“Don’t answer that” He interrupts. “I know already, what it was for you back then. I just wanted to let you know, you’re important to me”

“What…do you think it was for me back then?” The brunet asks, even though he has an idea already. He doesn’t want to hear what he thinks he’s about to.

“I was…well…for Younghoon?” He doesn’t use the word ‘replacement’ but he heavily implies it. Chanhee, back then, would’ve been so angry. Now, he just feels sad. His heart feels like its breaking.

“You…think I dated you to get over Younghoon?”

“…Didn’t you?”

“No. I loved you Juyeon” Juyeon’s expression would’ve been hilarious if it weren’t for the conversation they were having. He looked shocked, almost comically so.

“You…did?”

“Yes you dumbass! I was in love with you!” Chanhee groans and face palms. He can’t believe he was in love with this idiot.

“I love…I mean, I loved you too”

“I know”

“I’m sorry” Chanhee smiles warmly at him. He really was an idiot, but he can’t help but feel endeared once again. “It’s okay”

“The entire time?”

“Even after”

“Oh” Juyeon inches closer and puts his arms around the smaller. The pulls him to his lap and enlaces him in his arms.

“Juyeon?” He’s shushed and he feels Juyeon put his head on his shoulder. He has his back to the tallers’ chest. He shrugs and just accepts it all. He puts his hands on top of Juyeons’ and his head on the other’s shoulder.

“Thank you” Juyeon whispers eventually. He barely hears it, because he falls asleep quickly after that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this a bad chapter? Yes, it is.   
Can I manage better? Probably not right now.   
I still hope it's okay though :0 Enjoy the angst!

“Do you ever think; ah no one really cares about me anyways, or that no one loves you?” It’s out of nowhere, but he risks it and asks the question anyways, because he’s really curious as to what Juyeon thinks of this, and how he would react to a situation like this.

“Are you trying to pass on a message or something?” The taller laughs at his question, because that’s just the kind of person he is. He takes things seriously but, he never shows it if he’s ever uncomfortable. He’s probably trying to help relax Chanhee. It makes the smaller smile.

“Just answer asshole”

It’s a Saturday night, they’re not really hanging out anymore, because they’ve spent the entire day together. Chanhee had to leave to meet up with Sangyeon and the others to plan the bachelor’s party and Juyeon ended up joining them and helping out with some smaller details.

They had lunch together at some upscale restaurant and then went out shopping because Juyeon needed a new suit. To be completely fair, watching Juyeon try a bunch of different suits was probably one of the most painful experiences for Chanhee.

Looking at him being the whole model he was, it just brought back so many memories. Not to mention, he looked good in every single one of them. Chanhee had been flustered the entire time inside that store, Juyeon had even asked him to join him inside the changing room to help with some stuff and Chanhee’s pretty sure he’d never felt his face heat up so fast than at that exact moment.

Of course, he’d helped though.

They were at Juyeons’, lying on the couch watching some no name TV drama, when the thought had occurred to Chanhee.

It wasn’t really out of nowhere, he was thinking about how his relationship to Younghoon changed during all those years, and that’s how the question came to him.

“Can I at least get the context of your question?” The taller asks this time, hand snaking its way around his waist. They were lying down, with Juyeon’s head on the arm rest while Chanhee had his head down on the couch itself.

He did that a lot, held Chanhee that is, but the smaller never found it in himself to deny him.

“No context, think of your friends, do you think they care about you?”

“I like to think they do, yes?”

“Hmm”

“I care about you”

“What?”

“If you’re doubting it, I’m telling you I care about you”

“Even when we stopped talking?”

“Yeah, even then”

“I care about you too” Juyeon smiles and says he knows, that there’s no need to worry about it. But Chanhee can’t help it.

Isn’t it strange? He’d been a constant in Younghoon’s life and suddenly they didn’t know each other anymore. Chanhee doesn’t know what it is, if it’s his mind or his heart or if it’s the plain reality, but it looks like Younghoon is doing way better than when he was around. 

He feels, maybe, Younghoon never missed him. Maybe he was doing this as a form of closure, before definitely chucking Chanhee out of his life. Sometimes, Chanhee thinks the people in his life don’t really care if he’s here or not. Sometimes he thinks, that if he was gone all of a sudden, no one would notice. The thought upsets him again, as it usually does.

“Stop thinking”

“What?”

“I can hear you overworking your brain on some ridiculous thing again, stop it”

“How would you know it’s stupid?”

“I’ll bet all my money it’s got something to do with how low your self-esteem is” Juyeon says matter-of-factly, before holding onto Chanhee a little tighter. “Stop thinking about things like that, you matter. Okay?”

“Okay” Chanhee isn’t convinced but it does somehow stop him from thinking, or feeling upset. Actually, he feels a little happier.

“Thank you”

“Don’t thank me, next time it comes to you, think about me will you?”

“Ew” Juyeon bites the junction of his neck and shoulder as revenge. Chanhee yelps and kicks him in the stomach. They spend the rest of the night bickering and wrestling each other. It keeps Chanhee’s mind off of everything well. He feels thankful. 

After weeks of planning, the boys finally had a set plan in mind.

First of all, it would only be them, they didn’t need anyone else. Then it’d be at the amusement park, they’d do what Younghoon did with Sangyeon and Jacob when they graduated, spend the day together there and enjoy themselves, and then they’d take it all over at Jacob’s place for some drinks and a relaxing end of the day.

Nothing over the top, nothing fancy, just the six of them.

Well, the seven of them. Because as over as Chanhee is of Younghoon, there’s still this nervous feeling he has whenever they’re around each other and he can’t help but feel so much anxiety at the idea of being together alone with him. Even if he doesn’t love him that way anymore, there were still crumbs of that soul mate bond they had and he couldn’t just forget that never happened.

So he invites Juyeon.

It’s a great idea in retrospective, until he realizes Juyeon is Younghoon’s fiancé's ex-soulmate.

It’s kind of funny how things worked out for those two huh. But Younghoon doesn’t seem to mind, he doesn’t even look upset, quite the contrary, he looks happy to have someone else join the festivities.

The day at the park is filled with shenanigans Chanhee is sure he’ll never forget. From Kevin getting stuck on one of the rides, to Haknyeon getting them kicked out of a restaurant, to Jacob and Sangyeon getting lost in the maze for 3 hours until one of the staff had to bring them out. Younghoon himself had caused quite some trouble, wanting to go through the haunted house.

Jacob positively and definitely cried, and cussed. It was the first time Chanhee heard any kind of cussing come out of Jacob’s mouth so it was quite an interesting experience.

Juyeon was pretty quiet, but he kept by Chanhee’s side. He was there whenever Chanhee needed him. Whenever Chanhee felt anxious, Juyeon would bust in and reassure him. He was a much needed help, considering how Younghoon made Chanhee feel all kinds of confused.

They’re at one of the cafes, for another snack. Younghoon is telling them about what kind of plans he’s prepared for the wedding so far, the cake, the suit, the decoration, everything really. There’s a tug at Chanhee’s heart, but it’s mostly refreshing to see Younghoon so happy.

Plus, he can’t really be upset, when Juyeon has his hand on top of his hand, rubbing little circles with his thumb on the back of Chanhee’s hand.

Chanhee relaxes quickly when he realizes Juyeon really is there for him. There was no need to worry.

“Hey, by the way,” Younhoon looks over at Chanhee “we need to get your suits! I was thinking lavender!”

“Lavender? Are you sure that’s gonna look okay with Chanhee’s hair?”

“What’s up with Chanhee’s hair?”

“Didn’t you say you were dyeing it back to pink?” Sangyeon looks at him when he asks.

“I am, next week. I don’t think the suit will be a problem, as long as it’s not very pastel or unsaturated” He answers. He feels Juyeon’s hand has frozen and he worries a look over him, but sees nothing, Juyeon’s as calm as ever.

He risks an ‘are you okay?’ anyways, but Juyeon just smiles and nods, before looking away. This just worries Chanhee more, but he decides it’s been not to ask.

“Are you really? Oh my god, you’re going to look so cute!” Younghoon comments. It’s sweet, so Chanhee thanks him.

They stir the conversation elsewhere, but Chanhee can’t help but think about Juyeon and how serious and cold he looks. His mind seems to be preoccupied with something. Isn’t this what he does when he’s upset? He puts on the blankest face as a way to stop others from worrying but Chanhee knows better.

He’ll wait for the right moment to ask.

It’s 7 pm when they start heading to Jacob’s place, they’re all hungry so they stop by for chicken and pizza and start eating as soon as they arrive over at Jacob’s apartment. The place is bigger than Chanhee remembers, but then again he hasn’t been here in quite some time.

They sit around the dining table and start eating, discussing some memories from back in college and high school. It’s fun, and even Juyeon seems to be amused by some of the things Younghoon and his friends used to do in college.

Sangyeon, Jacob and Younghoon were all the same year, and had classes together, so they had so many stories to share with the rest of them. At some point, the beers come out, and the more they sip on those bottles, the more embarrassing and messy the stories become.

“And once, this idiot,” Sangyeon begins by pointing over at Younghoon, who pouts. “He forgot we had an assignment for a class, and decided to start it right there in the middle of class and thought he could finish it all before the end of the class.”

“Yeah well…I did!”

“You got a 37/100, I don’t even know where those 37 points came from.”

“I make killer introductions”

"Yeah, first impressions are great and the rest is quite lackluster." Chanhee had responded. They laugh and keep talking, reminiscing the past.

Eventually, Younghoon and Sangyeon are out dead on the couch. They were light weights, like Chanhee, but he was smart enough to not overdo it when drinking. Juyeon and Jacob seemed to be faring the best out of all of them. Juyeon gets up at some point, saying he’ll help Kevin put Haknyeon to sleep. He moves away from Chanhee who smiles at him and then it’s only Jacob and Chanhee at the dining table.

“So…” Jacob gives him a knowing look “You and Juyeon huh?”

“What?”

“You guys are dating, no?”

“What!? No! We’re just friends!”

“Are you sure? He sure looks at you like you hung the moon to be…just friends” Chanhee flushes deeply.

“Don’t say that, we’re just close”

“No I’m pretty sure you guys look at each other like you’re in love or something” Jacob insists. He has a smile on his face though, like he’s trying to help Chanhee realize…something.

“I…You think?”

“Yeah. How do you feel about Juyeon?”

“Well…” Chanhee hadn’t really thought about it, seriously. It’s really hard to think about Juyeon without getting lost in thought, or getting distracted by something else. Also, he’s too scared to actually spend time thinking about the other. “I don’t really know”

“You should think about it, Juyeon is good for you”

“You think so?”

“I haven’t seen you smile that much in a very long time Chanhee; actually, I haven’t even seen you. You barely hang out with anyone, so to see you out for an entire day together with Juyeon? Yeah, he’s definitely a good influence on you. Don’t let that one go”

Chanhee can feel his face redden. “Right…I won’t.”   


Juyeon and Kevin never come back, so Chanhee gets a little worried. He helps Jacob tuck in Sangyeon and Younghoon and moves to the guest room to check on everyone. Kevin and Haknyeon are cuddling in bed, deep asleep, and Juyeon is nowhere to be seen.

“Juyeon…?”

“Yeah?” Chanhee being startled is an understatement. He screams, and yelps away from Juyeon, who just laughs at him. The smaller trips and is about to fall when Juyeon catches him by the arm and holds onto him tightly.

“Are you okay?” He’s really close.

“Chanhee?” He’s really really close and his hands are around Chanhee’s waist and…he smells so good.

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay?” He sees Juyeon smile. He really does have a beautiful smile. 

“Yeah…”

“Good…You’re prettier when you’re happy” Chanhee flushes a pretty red again, and tries to look away but Juyeon is looking at him so full of…something. He can’t tell what it is, and he doesn’t really have the time to think about it, because Juyeon’s lips are on him soon after that.

The sober part of him thinks he should push the other away, but he can’t help but feel a pull instead, it's very familiar too. It feels…right. Chanhee likes it so much. He likes the way Juyeon pulls him closer, likes the way his lips feel, he likes Juyeon. The realization doesn't really seem to hit him the way he thought it would, it just feels so natural to like the other. He was home.

He can’t stop the kiss there, he can’t not respond back to the kiss; so he does. He closes his eyes. He kisses the other back, arms around his broad shoulders, nipping at the taller’s bottom lips.

Soon however, the kiss is over, but they don’t let go of each other. Chanhee gets lost in the proximity, in how good he feels. Until Juyeon realizes it seems, and Chanhee can see his expression turn to regret and fear. He’s about to ask what’s wrong but Juyeon mumbles a sorry and leaves him alone in the corridor.

He’s not quite sure what happened there, but he's pretty sure he felt something break. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter and itll be over 💔 I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been reading 👉👈 and mostly those who commented you guys are the MVP I love you so much 
> 
> Thank you for supporting this fic ♡

Pain, is a comfortable thing to Chanhee. It’s become a constant in his life. It’s always around with him, there’s always pain, no matter how hard he tries. He doesn’t think it’s edgy or cool either. Honestly, he just wants it to stop. He used to make jokes about it, to cope, but Jacob hated those so he had to stop.

Now he doesn’t joke anymore, he just feels it all in silence. When he’s upset, he doesn’t say a single word about it when he’s around other people. He puts on a mask, goes on with his normal activities, praises other people a lot, and puts the attention on anyone but himself. He does his best to keep everyone happy and entertained. As long as they’re not paying him any mind he’ll be fine.

When he accidentally slips, if he ever does, he quickly laughed it off and moved on to something else.

No one cares anyways, he thought, no one wants to know.

He’d lived it that way for the longest time, and then, when he was finished with the obligatory social interactions of his day, he’d move on to his room and cry.

When Chanhee cried, it was violent but silent. He would pull at his hair, hit himself, he’d hold his head in hand and hear the words ‘why?’ and ‘what do I do?’ over and over again. When he cried, his eyes would puff, his cheeks would redden and the next morning, he could feel his face bloated and puffy.

When he felt that much pain, he felt so much distress, what can you do when this happens anyways? He’d beg, and cry, and hit his head on the pillow, for anything, any mercy. When it hurts that much, you just want it to stop.

Just like when you get a physical wound.

You fall and you scrap your knee and you run to your mother wanting a band aid and a kiss, but for this, for the mind, there were no band aids. Right?

He had to stay this way, because he had no idea what to do. He just wanted it to stop. All the noises, all the voices, all the sounds, he wanted them to stop. The constant comments about his looks, about his personality, about how no one loved him, he needed them to stop.

So he did the same thing every time it struck, he stayed awake until he couldn’t anymore, worked on school work, or editing work, anything really. As long as his mind was busied away from the thoughts, he should be fine.

When he dated Juyeon, he remembers the man always stayed up with him, just to make sure he was okay. He remembers they happened less often, but when they did, Juyeon always went out of his way to help.

Chanhee didn’t know back then, but that’s what he needed. He needed a constant; he needed someone who genuinely cared about his day, who wanted to know what was going on with him, who cared about the little details of his personality.

If it weren’t for Juyeon, he thinks that time he wouldn’t have survived it.

Every time he remembers Younghoon, or Changmin, or every time he thought of his self worth, it always ended up this way.

But now, he was alone.

His apartment was cold and lonely. The lights were off, he didn’t bother turning them on. He liked being in the dark when he felt this way, light only exacerbated his anxiety anyways. He lets his bag fall on the couch and walks straight to his room. The bed is not made and the plants obviously need watering.

He mechanically reaches for the water and slowly, languidly, waters every single one of his plants, whispers of a sorry escaping his lips. He undresses, doesn’t really bother with anything other than a t-shirt, and lies on his bed. He buries himself under the covers and closes his eyes, silent prayers filling his mind. Please let me sleep. Please not tonight.

But mercy is nowhere to be found.

He starts crying instantly. His sobs are quiet, silent, and the tears run hot against his skin. Every time he thinks its over, there’s a new set ready to release. Every time he calms down the hiccups, he remembers something about Juyeon, about his smile, or his laugh, or his hands, or his face, or his nose, or just Juyeon and then he’ll cry again. He’ll think about the kiss and then calm down, hiccupping a little, before he remembers the regret obvious on the older’s face.

Then he’ll cry again.

It goes on for 15, maybe 20 minutes, he doesn’t keep track. He feels his face is wet, tries to reach for a tissue but he just whips the tears away with his hands instead. The voice inside his head is incessant. It’s grueling him with the same thoughts over and over again. It repeats all of his flaws, tells him why things went wrong, tells him things will never go right.

Every time he closes his eyes, there’s another image, another nightmare. He can’t rest, so he gets up and works. He sits down at his laptop, turns it on and opens one of the manuscripts he has to edit for work. Now and then, he’ll let out a little sob, but he always gets back to reading the manuscript. He ignores the pain, ignores the night he had, ignores the kiss, and especially ignores Juyeon.

Hadn’t he gone through enough?

Had he really…Did he deserve this?

Was happiness never going to find him?

His phone rings, but he doesn’t pick it up. He feels his eyes burn, from the tears threatening to fall. The ringtone is familiar, it’s a song Juyeon likes, he’d put it on as a ringtone especially for when Juyeon called.

That’s why he was crying again, that asshole was calling now.

He doesn’t answer. He ignores it completely and works himself to exhaustion. He falls asleep on his laptop, wakes up around 6 am and gets up to get himself a coffee fix. No point trying to sleep anymore anyways, the nightmare he had was enough of a scare for him to dissuade him otherwise.

“What?”

“I know I fucked up! I should’ve never…now he hates me!”

Juyeon and Eric are at a bar. They both met at Juyeon’s work. Eric was an intern, he worked as Juyeon’s assistant in the firm. He was capable and motivated and energetic, exactly what Juyeon liked, and they’d done tremendous work and progress ever since they started working together.

They also got very close. Eric was his confidant, and so was he for the younger. They got along so well, and often spent their breaks together just talking.

“I’m pretty sure he wanted it though…”

“What”

“He kissed back idiot! He clearly wanted you too.” Eric says it matter-of-factly.

“…He got carried away”

“Don’t give yourself too much credit. We’ve made out and you are NOT that great a kisser”

“I’m an amazing kisser!”

“That’s not the point! The point is: he likes you back! Why did you leave?”

“I thought I messed everything up…I worked so hard on getting him back as a friend and my stupid feelings just…”

“I knew you were a dumb jock but this is off the roof. Why didn’t you just talk to him? Chanhee is level-headed. He knows how to take things like this. He probably wanted it too”

“Are you sure…?”

“If he doesn’t like you back I’m eating my own arm for dinner” Eric says amused. He takes a sip of his drink and pats Juyeon on the shoulder. “Call him, talk it out or something…from what you told me, he looks like he likes you back. Just go for it”

“…Okay” Juyeon gets up, leaving his beer on the counter. Eric takes advantage of this and takes a few gulps, before setting it back down and watching as Juyeon calls Chanhee. There’s hope there, before sudden and utter rejection.

“He’s not answering…”

“It’s like…4 am. You can’t really expect him to respond…”

“Yeah…I’ll call in the morning…” He looks over to Eric. He’s actually in his pajamas, hair unkept and unruly, coat hanging loosely to his shoulders. “Thanks for responding so quickly…”

“Of course, I care about you…you’re my best friend”

“I know…I just…I appreciate it” Eric smiles at him, gets up and hugs his friend tightly.

“Thinks will be okay, I think it’s best if you show up at his door and beg for forgiveness though, you’re going to need to make it up to him” Juyeon agrees. He walks Eric back home and makes his way to his own apartment.

When he gets there, it’s a little sad. There are some of Chanhee’s knick knacks here and there. One of his coats hangs in the entry way even, he just came by so often, he brought a few changes of clothes along with him. Juyeon had a drawer now, just for Chanhee.

He wishes it wasn’t just a drawer though. He flops on his bed and falls asleep instantly. Tonight is dreamless.

The doorbell rings and Chanhee can only sigh loudly. It’s 1 pm on a Sunday, who was bothering him now. He walks over to the door, and there is a Sunwoo, standing at the door. He has a bag, with ice cream and some snacks inside. He smiles at Chanhee, and steps inside uninvited.

“Sunwoo? What’s going on?”

“Nothing! Just thought I’d visit my favourite neighbor!” Chanhee rolls his eyes and takes the bag of snacks. He puts the chips in a bowl after telling Sunwoo to sit down in the living room. He pours himself and his guest a drink and then brings everything back on a tray.

When he’s put everything down, he plops himself next to Sunwoo and looks at him unimpressed.

“Out with it”

Sunwoo’s usual unbothered self is replaced with an anxious and worried looking one. He’s hugging his legs and his head is resting on his knees.

“I got it”

“You got it?”

“The soulmate mark”

“You didn’t already have it!?” Sunwoo glares at him.

“I’m a late bloomer okay?” Chanhee smiles but pats the others’ back. So that’s why he’s so scared.

“Whose name is it?” Sunwoo tells him, he doesn’t know who it is. They sit in silence, Chanhee can’t really tell him it’ll be okay, he’ll find the one, because it’s not always the case.

“Why…do we have this?” Sunwoo asks him, like he knows the secrets of the universe.

“Are you afraid the same will happen to you?” The younger looks guilty, he sighs but nods nonetheless, looking down at the name written across his wrist.

“It’s rare you know, it doesn’t happen often” Chanhee tries “I think…I think you’ll be fine. And if it doesn’t work out with them, it’ll work out with someone else. Just because the name isn’t the same, doesn’t mean it’s not meant to be”

“Do you have someone like that?”

“I did”

“Did?”

“I don’t think he really wants me around.”

“Did he says it?”

“Not really no, but I could tell on his face…”

“Chanhee Hyung no offence, but you’re the worst at reading faces, especially when they’re directed towards you.” The brunet turns to glare at him. How dare he? He’s an excellent judge! He knows exactly what others want to convey! The younger only rolls his eyes and takes a handful of chips. He stuffs his face, before telling Chanhee he really isn’t, he’s terrible at knowing what others expect of him.

“…I…Should I like talk to him then?”

“I think you should yeah”

“Are you sure…?”

“Yeah, just talk to him. Send him a message, or call him, or I don’t know send him a letter. Doesn’t really matter, you just gotta say that you like him. If you don’t, won’t you regret it?”

“I regret a lot of things already”

“Yeah, so no point adding anything anymore. You’ve got nothing to lose anyways”

Chanhee doesn’t respond. He does nod though, and then proceeds to stuff his own face with snacks and drinks. They talk for the rest of the afternoon, Sunwoo tells him the pink would look great and he should totally go for it. He decides to call in sick on Monday, he might be a little too busy to go to work he thinks.

He looks at himself in the mirror, it’s not the exact same shade as the one he had before, but he finds he likes this one better. It’s prettier, and it looks nice against his skin. He has fairer skin than most of his friends, and he kind of hates it to be honest. He thinks their skin, full of color, is so beautiful. He kind of wishes he was a little tanner, but this color does look good, and it makes his skin look nicer too.

He puts on a thick coat and walks out of the store, thanking the hairdresser before closing the door behind him. He feels the wind blow into his hair and opens his phone. Juyeon has tried to contact him times and times again but, he was too afraid.

It was Monday afternoon, almost night, maybe he should stop being a little baby and finally answer him. He tries a call, but right before he starts it, Juyeon calls again.

He answers the call, soft hello escaping his lips. It’s really cold outside, but he finds his cheek warming up when he hears the others’ voice.

“…Chanhee?”

“That’s my name”

“…I…Chanhee listen”

“Wait…Can we meet up?”

“…You would want that?”

“Yes, I do want that” Chanhee smiles. Juyeon sounds so small and uncertain, shy even. He buries his hand in his coat pocket to warm up.

“Okay…Petale?”

“Alright” He walks towards the coffee shop. It’s not very far away from where he is, but he knows Juyeon will probably take longer to arrive, so he orders himself a hot chocolate just so he can warm up. He sits at one of the booths, there’s several couples sitting around the café, they all look so nice together. He wonders if he could ever have that again, hell sometimes, he’d wonder, if someday he could get married.

He always knew it was wishful thinking, but if it could happen to others, it could happen to him too right?

Ever since seeing Younghoon again, he kept thinking about the possibility. He’s kind of grateful, for Younghoon that is, because even though it had been painful, the meeting had pushed him to talk to Juyeon again. He’d never be more thankful.

Soon after, the man in question enters the store. He looks around, Chanhee has the time to assess how he looks. His hair is ruffled and messy, and his clothes aren’t as stylish as he usually likes them. Chanhee worries his lip, realizing he wasn’t the only one who wasn’t feeling well.

When Juyeon finally sees him, there’s a small grin that grazes his lips. There’s a blush high on his cheeks, Chanhee isn’t sure why. He hurries to Chanhee’s side, and sits down in front of him.

“Hey…”

“Hello”

They sit in silence, both of them were unsure of where to even begin. Should they talk about the kiss? Their feelings? Their breakup? Chanhee isn’t sure to be honest. He doesn’t know how to have a heart to heart, he isn’t used to it. He reaches over, tries to hold onto Juyeon’s hand. The olders’ is bigger than his, so his hand fits perfectly in the palm of his hand.

He smiles, when Juyeon closes his hand around Chanhee’s, and looks up to watch him. They stare at each other, still in complete silence, and it feels like forever until Juyeon finally speaks up.

He’s always been the braver of the two.

“Chanhee, do you remember that talk we had at my house? About that time we broke up?”

“Yes, when you said you loved me”

“I lied” Juyeon starts, and when Chanhee’s face turns to panic, he shushes him and asks him to listen.

“I didn’t love you just, I still love you.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...It's over TT TT   
I'm a little sad this is over, but I have another JuNew fic in the planning so I hope you will read that one too hehe   
regardless, I wanted to thank everyone who read and mostly the people who commented ; ; seriously thank you you motivated me so much to write this thing <3   
See you next time ~

When he’d first heard the stories, he never thought he’d be one of them. Everyone knows the feeling, we think we’re invincible until the thing happens to you. You think nothing can ever hurt you, until it does. At school, there weren’t a lot of classes about the matter, because it was mostly your parent’s job to teach you about this.

It’s something known, kind of like sex, but less embarrassing. Everyone gets ‘the talk’ at some point, and usually it started with cute stories of how your parents met and ends with…the human’s conception.

But even during those rare classes, he doesn’t get to hear a lot about the matter. They mention it, but there aren’t many details about it, because even if it can happen, there’s no way it’ll happen to one of you here!

It’s such a rare occurrence, that some people don’t even know about it. Yet, it’s an everyday reality for them. He’d never found anyone other than Juyeon that related to his problem, even if Juyeon suffered a lot less because of it than he did.

Chanhee always wondered why? Why Juyeon never looked sad about the whole thing? He never complained, or cried, or looked sad. After they’d met, Juyeon always went out of his way to help, to comfort him, but he’d barely ever asked for the same in return.

Chanhee always wondered why.

When he looked at his soulmate mark, the black ink always stared back at him, mocking, upsetting. Juyeon never looked at his soulmate mark, he never even mentioned it. Chanhee had seen the way he treated it too, and if someone ever asked about it, Juyeon would just shrug and say ‘Eh, it happens’.

What was it? What was it all this time that made Juyeon care so little about something that made up Chanhee’s entire life? At first, the brunet thought that he just didn’t understand how bad the situation was. Maybe he didn’t realize what was happening to him. Maybe he didn’t spend enough time with Changmin to realize they were made for each other.

Now, Chanhee thinks it’s something else.

Chanhee wonders, why he’d never heard of cases like his, why he couldn’t find out more about it, why no one knew about this whole thing.

He just wanted to understand, why was it so hard to find the reason?

Maybe, he thinks now, because there was never a reason. Maybe, all of this, it didn’t really matter. Sure, Younghoon doesn’t love him back, but, was it really that important that he did? Why should he care about someone who never cared about him that way, when he had Juyeon? Why did soulmates matter, when he’d met someone like Juyeon without the whole soulmate bullshit?

Regardless of the older’s feelings for him, Chanhee genuinely cared and loved Juyeon. He’d been there for him through thick and thin. He wanted to be there for Juyeon too. He wanted to wake up next to him in the morning, wanted to be held by him, wanted to please him in every way, wanted to see him smile and happy.

Who cared about destiny; he could make his own. He’d rewrite the name in red ink on his skin himself, over and over, because what mattered was that he really loved Juyeon.

The only thing that upsets him now; was how long it took him to realize.

So that night, after Sunwoo was gone, he’d decided. He’ll tell Juyeon he loves him, he’ll ask him out personally.

“I still love you”

The emotions in Chanhee’s mind are all over the place.

He didn’t know how much needed to hear those words. He really didn’t realize how much these simple words would mean to him coming from Juyeon. He feels something hot and wet fall on his cheeks and, he realizes when he sees Juyeons’ panic, that he’s crying.

The man in front of him quickly reaches to wipe the tears away with his hands. Chanhee smiles and closes his eyes, focusing on trying to find the words to answer back but he lets out a sob instead.

“Chanhee baby…I promise I don’t want to force you into anything…Please don’t cry” He’s laughing and crying at the same time now and he really didn’t know anyone could do that. Juyeon’s looking at him confused and worried. He’s panicking, and Chanhee doesn’t want him too.

“You loved me all this time?” He asks eventually. There are still tears falling on his cheeks, and Juyeon keeps trying to calm him down.

“Yeah, even when we broke up”

“Since when”

“What?”

“Since when did you have those feelings?”

“Truthfully?” Chanhee nods.

“I fell for you when we met in college, when we first met, that was the best day of my life”

“Juyeon…”

“Wait…Let me…I never expected anything from you. My feelings were for you were always enough for me, but when we started dating…I was so happy. I knew it wouldn’t last, because you loved Younghoon so much but…They were the happiest I’d been since this whole soulmate thing fell on me”

“You were sad too?”

“Sure I was but…It wasn’t as hurtful as when you and I broke up. Jacob had to pick me up piece by piece after that”

“Oh…”

“Yeah…listen,” He wets his lips nervously. “I know it could be awkward, but I just want us to stay friends, I don’t want you to force yourself to-“

“What if I felt the same.”

“What”

“What if I felt the same way you did”

“Chanhee…don’t joke around”

“I’m not joking around” Juyeon looks upset; like he’s trying to not set himself up for heartbreak. He doesn’t want to believe Chanhee because he’s afraid and honestly he doesn’t blame him.

“I love you Juyeon”

“Chanhee.” Chanhee smiles and holds onto his hands.

“Why do you think I kissed you back?” Juyeon doesn’t say anything, he’s thinking.

“Yesterday, a friend came over. We were talking and when he left I started thinking. I was wondering all this time, why would I call you? Why did I call you when Younghoon came back? All this time I kept thinking about it, about what this whole thing was about. And then, we had that conversation and now I realize how much your words rang true to me. You’re home Juyeon. When things got too much, I couldn’t take being away from my home anymore”

Juyeon blushes deeply, he looks cute, embarrassed and flustered this way.

“I wanted to tell you, after the kiss. I realized that all this time, I was just trying to find an excuse to be with you, but I really didn’t need any. I love you, I should just let myself love you.”

“Chanhee…”

“I know, I know you think I’m using you as a replacement to Younghoon. But you’re not Younghoon, you’re not my soulmate. You’re so much better Juyeon. I don’t know how to make you believe, but regardless of what happens next, I want to be with you now”

“I love you”

“I love you too.” Juyeon leans closer. Chanhee stopped crying at some point during their conversation. His cheeks and eyes were a little red, but at least he wasn’t sobbing anymore. Juyeon leans in, and he closes the gap between them and presses his lips softly against Juyeon’s lips. It’s soft, a little cheesy but so good. Chanhee felt so good. It felt like a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders. He felt so happy.

It felt right. Like that night when they kissed for the first time after they broke up, and the first time they kissed back when they were dating. It was familiar and warm, just like home. He loved every second of it, he loved every inch of Juyeon.

He brings his hands up to softly cup Juyeons’ cheeks, and smiles against his lips. Juyeon breaks the kiss but stays close to his face. There’s a beautiful smile on his face, it’s wide and open and loving and he’s looking at Chanhee like he’s everything he’s ever wanted.

Chanhee thinks, _He’s everything I’ve ever wanted too. _

“Baby? Can you tell me what time it is?”

Chanhee’s in bed, he’s looking through his phone. He doesn’t have work until the afternoon but sadly, Juyeon had work and he was getting ready to leave. Chanhee always tried to get him to skip but Juyeon always used the same excuse. ‘How will I pay for your extravagant taste?’ and honestly, Chanhee did not have that luxurious of a taste.

They started living ago a months after they got back together. It was a very short time, but with the amount of time Chanhee spent over at Juyeons’ and how much closer this place was to his work, it really was a no brainer.

Everyone kind of knew already, except for poor innocent Younghoon, who almost fell down when he’d learnt of the whole thing. Chanhee still laughs at the face he’d made when Juyeon told him.

“Uh…it’s eight twenty two”

“Shit! Baby, I’m going to be late!”

“I’m not the one who wanted to have a quickie before work”

“You’re the one who tempted me and you know it!” Juyeon screams from the bathroom. He emerges eventually, wearing his suit and with his styled hair.

“Do I look okay?”

“You look too good for work” Chanhee responds, annoyed.

“I love you too” Chanhee blushes a little, but rolls his eyes. He always says that when Chanhee complains about him.

“Baby” The older leans in closer to him, sitting on the edge of the bed. He looks at him expectantly. When he knows Chanhee is playing hard to get, he makes it his mission to force him to say I love you back. The smaller groans and mumbles an ‘I love you’ back.

It satisfies Juyeon and he kisses Chanhee deep on the lips. Juyeon gets distracted by Chanhee’s hand in his hair, by the kiss, and by how nice Chanhee smells in the morning, because he loses track of time. He breaks the kiss abruptly when he realizes that.

“Shit!” the raven quickly gets up and runs towards the door.

“I gotta go! Bye baby!”

“Byeee” Chanhee pouts and sighs from his spot on the bed.

He just wants Juyeon to get back to bed, cuddle with him, and maybe even make out with him a little. His phone tings and he reads the message. It makes his face redden deeply and he whines loudly, kicking the sheets. Now he really wanted Juyeon to come back.

**Juyeonnie[8:45]: ** You’re pretty when you’re fucked out ❤

“Asshole” He sighs and gets out of bed. He guesses there’s no point lazing around, he’ll make some dinner before leaving so he and Juyeon can eat together tonight. He grabs a shirt; probably one of Juyeon’s and puts it on along with some underwear. His phone tings again, he reads the message and smiles.

**Younghoon[8:55]: **You ready for Saturday? (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

**Chan[8:56]: **You need to stop using those

**Younghoon[8:56]: **NEVER!!!!!!!!!!! SO????? (◕‿◕✿)

**Chan[8:57]: **Don’t worry! We’ll be there!!! I won’t miss your stupid wedding!!!

**Younghoon[8:58]: **You’re just jealous ┐(︶▽︶)┌ You just want Juyeon to propose!!!!

Chanhee rolls his eyes and turns off his phone in favor of preparing his dinner. There’s something that catches his eye though, when he looks at his wrist, there’s red instead of the black he’d gotten so used to. He feels a little anxious, but he focuses on it anyways.

When he reads the words there, he feels his heart stop. He quickly reaches for his phone and turns it back on to call his lover. He asks him to read the words on his own wrist, and when what he thought is confirmed, he feels hot tears fall over his face all over again.

He didn’t know this kind of thing could happen!?

He dries his tears and reads the words on his wrist again, smiling wide.

“Lee Juyeon”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in two days so please be understanding. I might delete it though if I'm being honest. 
> 
> Enjoy?
> 
> (My twitter is @smile_lilas let's chat :o )


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